Original:
Whipping through the air,
Wind helps power our lives
Sliding through the shared,
Water helps us live our lives

wet, dirty, and full of bugs,
Soil helps the air we breathe.
Crackling in the night
Fire makes old things leave.

This poem uses strong similes and metaphors, as well as symbolism for the elements of the earth. It creates scenes where they become responsible for our lives, and it makes them seem necessary for us to live good and healthy lives. One thing that I tried to use in this poem is Iambic Pentameter. This means that the poem has some rhythm when reading it, and it seems to flow nicely together, almost song like.

Revised:
Whipping through the air,
Wind helps to power our lives.
Sliding through the shared,
Water helps us live our lives.

Crumbly, dirty, and full of bugs,
soil helps the air we breathe.
Crackling in the night,
Fire makes old things leave.

Original:
Live shows,
Flashing lights,
Ringing ears,
Sweating bodies,
Loud noises,
Missing shoes,
Concerts.

Revised:
Live shows,
Flashing lights,
Ringing ears,
Loud noises,
Live performances.
Sweaty bodies everywhere,
Missing shoes; disappearing,
Causing ripped shirts,
Getting stained clothes,
Live performances.
Meeting the band members,
Getting yout tickets autographed,
Taking awesome pictures,
Memories that will last forever,
Live performances.

This poem is a good example of Enjambent, which is the event in which a thought appears in a poem through a series of lines, rather than just having one thought per line. One other example of a poetic element that can be seen in this poem is metonymy. Metonymy is where a thing is represented by a different word than one might automatically assume. For this, I use “live performances” rather than just saying concerts.
Lastly symbolism is used in this poem to make it seem like each live performance is something amazing, holding something different, yet fun and exciting.

Original poem
Burning eyes,
Emotions that could cry,
Dreams starting to die,
But I don’t know why.

Revised poem


Original poem
Burning eyes,
Emotions that could cry,
Dreams starting to die,
But I don’t know why.


The Irony is the emotions
That could cry, is that emotions could cry
deep down but cant cause of pain to one.
Metaphor Dreams starting to die, a dream that fades to
Far from the sky.
Personification a way of not knowing why but to
Think how you could.



I revised my poem to things that I think should be added to it. Like irony I think irony is great to use cause of the use in it. I used metaphor in it also because of the meaning be hind this poem really brings out the deep meaning behind it all. I redoing it really bring’s out what you really think and what happens in everyday life dreams can start to feel like there dying inside. I also used personification to because of the not knowing all that’s behind the poem and they you think it could be partied.




Original poem
Now restless,
Now my test,
Must strive for the best,
Before I’m rendered useless.

Revised poem

Now restless ones life could be truly tested,
Now my test to be who I want to be,
Must strive for the best to achieve what I want to be,
Before I’m rendered useless and now feels like nothing could help.

My revised poem is used to describe ones struggles in life and successes in life. I used a metaphor in my poem now restless ones life could be truly tested is saying that now that all I’ve gone through my life has been tested and learn from what you have done. Another one I used is symbolism for Before rendered useless and now feels like nothing could help and I think is very powerful in that before am I rendered useless there is still things that need to be done and concurred in life. Lastly I use Irony and I used that in a now my test to be who I want to be and I think that is irony in that someone’s test in life could be a thousand things its just you have to be the one to figure out what that is.



Hey quit your whining
Just jump in and play
It’s not even cold
And there’s nothing that will bite
Come on get in
The lilies will protect you from
All the unknown
Lie on your back and float like them
Drift and dream down the bay
That’s good one toe at a time
You got kid now loosen your mind

Nervous Child (final)

Hey quit your whining
Just jump in and play
It’s not even cold
And there’s nothing that will bite
Come on
Get in
The lilies will protect you from
All the unknown
Lie on your back and float like them
Drift and dream down the bay
That’s good
One toe at a time
You got it kid now loosen your mind

Explanation:
I did not change my poem that much from the original because I really enjoyed how it was written and the picture it paints. One element I used was enjambent because I believe it helps to tell the story that is being told. I also used caesura after “come on” and “that’s good” because it’s just how it would be when the kid is getting in, you encourage and then wait. And finally, this poem overall symbolizes youth and how it is composed of fun, fear, and dreams and that there can always be something to protect you and keep you on your feet, whether it’s a friend, a parent, or a floating flower.





Back in the Day (original)

Take a walk down the street
But not today, back in the day
Walk to the beat
And everything will be ok

Wo ho wee skipidy dee
Down to the river bay
Jump in splash wo ee
Never have to worry about pay

Life is sweet dee o
And it can be great when cheap
So enjoy every second o
And happiness will be sky deep

Back in the Day (final)

Remember,
Not early today, but back in the day
Where we’d walk down the street
And the dogs would bark a beat
Everything always ok

Woo and wee skip haplee
Down to the river bay
“CANNON BALL!” “YIPPIE!”
Hit a friend, oh affray

Life was awesweet you know
So simple when cheap
And enjoyed when time is slow
To make happiness sky deep

Explanation: I changed this poem up quite a bit, but not as much with how it was written but more with word choice. I used enjambent again in this poem because I believe it helps tell the story of a memory. I also used some portmanteau with “happy” and “glee” and “awesome” and “sweet” because I wanted to put more emphasis on the word and allowing it to still rhyme. Lastly, I used onomatopoeia to help express the excitement and joy that these adults had when they were young children.

Taking a walk around the lake,
Appreciating the day with each breath I take.
Hearing the ducks that cluck around,
The children laughing on the playground;
Seeing the ducks waddle to and fro,
The trees that rustle as the wind blows;
Usually we keep on conversation as we’re walking,
But sometimes silence is better than talking.

Summer Strolls
Taking a walk around the lake,
Appreciating the day with each breath I take.
Hearing the ducks that cluck around,
With the children laughing on the playground.
Seeing the ducks waddle to and fro,
As the trees begin whistling when the wind blows.
Usually we keep on conversation while we’re walking,
But sometimes the silence is better than talking.

My goal with this poem was to try to paint a picture of what I see, hear, and feel when I take walks in the summer. I made only a few revisions to this poem, because I really liked the original version. I added a title, and then I used the 3 poetic elements of alliteration, personification, and assonance, in this poem. The alliteration is when it says “whistling when the wind”, or “while we’re walking”. The personification is seen when I said, “the trees begin whistling”, and the assonance is then I say “the ducks that cluck”. I chose to use these simple and not too complex poetry elements, because this poem is pretty simple and not complex as well. It represents just a nice walk around a lake, or neighborhood, or wherever on a nice summer day with someone who’s company you enjoy.





Its time to go off on your own,
And experience the world by yourself.

Be careful, be safe, have fun,
College is an experience in itself.
Independence
Now being set free, how’d you get so old?
Off on your own, no longer doing what you’re told.

The year went fast, the speed of light,
To get through it all was quite a fight.

Summer will come and go to soon,
So treasure the time between each sun and moon.

It’s scary to think you’re starting off new,
Comforting to know, they’re all in the same boat as you.

When the time comes to say goodbye,
Will it be happy or sad tears that you cry?

The next four years are precious, like a diamond ring.
So cherish the memories, college is sure to bring.

Be careful, be safe, have fun and always remember
To stay true to yourself when you leave in September.

This poem is pretty meaningful because it is about leaving for college and all the mixed feelings a senior experiences when they’re about to leave and be independent on their own. I changed the poem a lot from the 1st to 2nd version. Basically I just kept the same idea from the 1st one, but changed the words completely. I used the poetic elements of similes/metaphors, symbolism, and enjambment. The metaphor was “the year went fast, the speed of light”. The simile was “like a diamond ring”. These two things help paint a more vivid picture for the reader because they help you compare feelings and experiences, to objects and things. I used symbolism with the diamond ring being a symbol for something precious, and representing the time a student spends at college. This reminds the reader to cherish their moments in school because it will go by quickly. I used enjambment in the last two lines of the poem, because it was a sentence that I felt should not be broken up. It flows nicely and really finishes off the poem with the ending statement to stay true to oneself when leaving to be on their own. The goal with this poem was really just for others to relate to because most of us are in the same boat as seniors preparing to leave.

Original Poem

Glue is to stick
As ball is to bat.
I love baseball
But it doesn’t love me back.

Revised Poem

Glue is to stick
As baseball is to bat
I love baseball
But it does not love me back

The irony of it is
Alone none of these things are anything
But together as the ball screems off the bat
It is a bond as solid as concrete.

Without either of its partners
It becomes nothing
A symbol of partnership
America’s pastime…


I revised 2 stanza’s in my poem adding in 3 poetic elements into the poem; Irony, Symbolism, and Personification. The glue needs the stick as much it needs the glue and the Bat needs the baseball as much as it needs the bat., but nothing when looked at individually. “As the ball screems of the bat” is an example of Personification. Last the symbolism of partnership between two objects to make a game of it, adding in another element of irony with the bat and the ball contribute to the overall definition of America’s pastime. I used these elements because I looked at those words on the paper and those were the only ones I knew what to say and revise my poem.












Original Poem

Summer is almost here
The wet spring has gone on long enough
The courses are ready
So here we go

Revised Poem

Summer is almost here
The spring has rained enough
The green grass is stretching its wings
For the goal is to roll it in a little hole

Supporting the Masters
Listening to the bang!
As the ball is struck so effortlessly
As no one knows what it will be without Tiger.

The face of golf itself
Will no longer be the symbol of hope.


I revised my original poem adding 2 stanzas adding in Onomatopoeia, Irony, and Personification. These elements were chosen because it explains the concepts of golf alone with a little bit of symbolism of Tiger Woods no longer on tour, the best in the world and how it changed golf that is concrete. It’ll never be the same again. How the symbol of golf is no longer in the picture. Along with the “Bang” of the ball being struck is an example of Onomatopoeia giving the golf a sound of a bang when it is being played. The last element of the poem I added is Personification, the grass stretching out its wings, meaning the grass growing rich and long just like the masters. These elements added the overall aspect of golf being depicted with symbolism, Irony of Tiger, and giving the poem some personification.

Original poem
The quarmy blodge slinched through the night
It plitzed and plotzeed as fline as hirk
The blodge, it was a destined skight
It fledged the tornid open slirk

To sluket from norfen went clodge
He went straight there, no grellowing
He borked and did not dodge the squodge
But arnickled the binnowing

After Many a blicker queet
The beast had reached its harvory
It came to kill, it came to eat
Its mouth was full of parlacky

The sluskets smelched and kowterstored
The beast then dined in farlafen
Until it heard its master’s chord
The blodge must return to norfen

The Beast of Norfen
The quarmy blodge slinched through the night
It plitzed and plotzed as fline as hirk
The blodge, it was a destined skight
It fledged the tornid open slirk

To Slusket from Norfen went Clodge
The blodge, went there, no grellowing
He borked and did not dodge the squodge
But arnickled the binnowing

After many a blicker queet
The beast had reached its harvory
It came to kill, it came to eat
Its mouth was full or parlacky

The Sluskets smelched and kowsterstored
The beast then dined in Farlafen
Until it heard its master’s chord
The beast must return to Norfen



For this poem I had fun writing it so I thought it would be fun to rewrite it and also add some literary techniques to it. In the 5-6th lines I added some enjambment so I could continue on an idea and not have to end every thought in one line. What I like most about this poem is that to me, it has meaning. Every word means something, it is not just gibberish. This poem is in the form of Iambic quadrameter with ABAB rhyme scheme. I also added a title to the poem, “The Beast of Norfen.” It gives a new reader some idea what the poem is about but also it rather mysterious.





Assignment: Write a one stanza poem about something that is disappointing to you with a random rhyme scheme


Orignial Poem
The quiet soldier dodges through the trees
He sees a dim light in the distance
Look!
An enemy taking a break
Having a cigarette in the dark of the night
Here on this land?
Everyone sees the light
He pulls out his knife to strike
It is not an enemy, but your ally and friend
Now you go back to waiting




Enemy Territory
The silent soldier slyly slides
Around and above the water and trees
He sees a glowing, he sees a light
Look!
An enemy having a light
A cigarette in the dark of the night
Here on his land?
He must know he would know
He pulls out his knife to slash
Halt!
That is no enemy
An ally, a friend
Is the soldier disappointed?
Yes, in the end





When I was writing this poem I thought it would be fun if I used an angle that no one else would use and write this poem about a fictional event. In this poem, a soldier sees someone taking a cigarette break by his house and is ready to pounce on him when he realizes it is his friend and is disappointed that he could not get any excitement in his life, and find an intruder. When I rewrote this, I added alliteration in the first line because I thought it actually sounded better. I also added some better imagery like saying there is a “glowing” light instead of a “dim light in the distance.” The sudden stops in the poem also make add suspense like when it says “Look!” I added another one of those because I like it so much in the first poem. As for the title, I prefer that it gave no clues that the poem would be about something disappointing and liked that it seems like any other regular poem.

ORIGINAL:

Avant-garde

Some may think that it’s outrageous
At first it seems a little crazy
Draping, twisting, bows and colors
To me it looks like cotton candy

Staring at it sideways
They still don’t see the art
of fashion spreads and runway shows
or fierce designers like Rodarte


REVISION:

Avant-garde

Some may say it’s strange
A tool that is not handy
Draping, twisting, bows and colors
To me it looks like cotton candy

Staring at it sideways
They still don’t see the art
of fashion spreads and runway shows
or fierce designers like Rodarte


Explanation:

In this poem I’m describing how I see high fashion and how a majority of people view it. I incorporate alliteration into the revision: “SOME may SAY it’s STRANGE”, “STARING at it SIDEWAYS”, and “STILL don’t SEE the art”. I did this for rhythmic purposes, and it helped me come up with word choice. I also used enjambment in the second stanza when I went from “still don’t see the art” into “of fashion spreads” and then took that line immediately into “or fierce designers”. I used metonymy in the second line of the first stanza: “A tool that is not handy”. The ‘tool’ being fashion (more the crazy, avant-garde type) that, on the surface from a logical viewpoint may not seem to be of much use. I wanted to get the point across that I understand how people may not “get” fashion, because I used to think it was pointless and outlandish, but by incorporating how I see it (like ‘art’, or like ‘cotton candy’ that’s pleasing to the eye, or something delicious to be consumed) to hopefully give others a new perspective.


ORIGINAL:

Mark Behind the Mask

I stare into the mirror
My head is tilted upward
My lips are slightly parted
My mind thinks this is absurd
My wand is at the ready
It’s gliding base to tip
Separating concentrated
I bite down on my lip
Dip back in the hot pink tube
The words promise it’s so
but the package is deceiving
as mascara lovers know


REVISION:

Mark Behind the Mask

I stare into the mirror
My chin is tilted upward
My mouth is slightly parted
My head says this is absurd
My wand is at the ready
It’s gliding base to tip
Separating, concentrated
I bite down on my lip
Dip back in the hot pink tube
The words promise it’s so
but the package is deceiving
as mascara lovers know


EXPLANATION:

I was intrigued by the idea of taking an everyday activity and breaking it down to every little detail, which is why I wrote this poem about putting on mascara. I wanted to add my own thoughts on the subject, and not just merely describe it, so I incorporated how advertisements promise so much on the package, but fail to live up to what they preach.

(orginal)
Ready?
I’m trying to be honest
Without being modest
The Teenagers are about to go to college
Are they ready to get smashed
With all life of bash
Will they even have enough cash
Oh man what should we do if this moment won’t last
The time is running fast
Will we be able to finish the task
The time is near
We will all cheer
We DID IT!
(final)
Ready?
I’m trying to be honest
Without being modest
The Teenagers are about to go to college
Are they ready to get smashed-BAM
With all life of bash-OUCH
Will they even have enough cash
Oh man what should we do if this moment won’t last
The time is running fast
Will we be able to finish the task
Tick Tock the time is near
We will all cheer
Like we have no fear
Because we DID IT!
The goal of the poem ready was to show how stressful the road ahead is going to be. It is speaking from a place that I haven’t really expressed out loud. When I did my revisions I wanted it to feel more personal. I choose onomatopoeia because it brings you to that place when you hear that sound such as ouch, that shows pain and that life can really be painful. I also used similes so you as a reader can have a comparison. This poem is all enjambment I chose to write it this way because life is consent it doesn’t stop until you’re dead. In the poem I don’t want the reader to have a chance to take a breathe till the end this when you can take a step back and be happy.
(orginal)
Reflections on the water
Water is flowing quick and loud
Faster it is moving
Down through and over
Then it got here

Where the lilies lay
In the nice small bay
The frogs play all through the day
And we see the flowers and want to make them into a bouquet

The water speeds up now
And the kids have their time to share the day
And they play and it’s perfectly okay

I sit here thinking
As the wind flows so swiftly
I’m lucky to be here
And I can’t wait to see the future that is near
(final)
Reflections on the water
Flying, flowing, fast, and fierce
The way it waves and the way it moves down through and over
Then it gets here

Where the lilies lay
In this beautiful small bay
The frogs play all through the day
And we see the flowers and want to make them into a bouquet

I sit here thinking
As the wind flows so swiftly
I’m lucky to be here
And I can’t wait to see the future that is near
In the poem Reflections on the water the goal was for the reader to feel. I wanted the reader to feel the water and its real meaning, feel the winds and hear its voice. I chose imagery for this poem as the writer to paint the picture of peace and happiness in the readers mind. I used alliteration in emphasize the way the water moves and kind of how we as people move. We are fierce and fast and we get where we need to be just like the water it will break through anything and go through any course jus like us. I also used in enjambment to symbolize the water being continuous.
Rose Ganji

Original poem
Paris
A wonderful city
A place for lovers
Paris
The city of dreams
The city of lovers
The sun is shining in the river
Oh I love Paris
The Effie tower
A city that never sleeps
The romance is in the air
The lovers can feel it
What a beautiful city is Paris

Poem Reversion
Paris
A wonderful city
A place for lovers
Paris
The city of dreams
In the river the boats are moving with lovers inside
Watching that beautiful sky above the river
Is shining in
The river
Oh I love Paris
The Effie tower
The sound of the clock in the hotel
Tick Tock
Showing its time to get ready
And go out with your dream date
Paris
A city that never sleeps
The romance is in the air
The lovers can feel it
What a beautiful city is Paris

This poem is about Paris and the love. This was one of the assignments that we had to write about our favorite place in the world. Paris is a beautiful city and I fell in love with it when I went there about a year ago. It is my dream to go and live there. I changed some of the words and added more things to the reversion poem. I used three elements in this poem such as Symbolism, irony and onomatopoeia. I chose these elements because they make my poem sound more interesting. Love symbolizes the city of Paris and the lovers sailing in their boats. Tick tock is the sound of onomatopoeia and it shows the sound of the clock which reminds people it is time to go out and have fun and irony shows, this poem is beyond the most simple and evident meaning of words. This was also one of my favorite poems in my notebook.

Original Version of the poem
When you are down
And want to get high
Just take a good look
In the sky
What you will see are
The stars above
Each one of them
Presents love

Who you will find
And see so clear
Are friends in mind,
You want to hold near
Every friend you have
Owns a star
And you can see them
No matter how far

Poem Revision
When you are down
And want to get high
Just take a good look
Up in the sky
What you will see are
The stars above
Each one of them
Presents love

Who you will find
And see so clear
Are friends in mind,
You want to hold near
Whenever you need them
Just look at the sky,
Call their name
And you will see them fly
Every friend you have
Owns a star
And you can see them
No matter how far

This poem is about friendship and how important they can be at times when you feel down. I chose this poem because it was one of the best poems that I wrote in my notebook. I could connect with this poem very easily. As I was writing it, I thought about all of my good friends that I had until this day and how good friends can have a good or bad influence in your life. I changed some words and expanded this poem a little more. I used three elements in this poem such as metaphor, Symbolism and Irony. I chose these elements because they worked well with my poem for example stars are symbolism in this poem. Stars symbolize friends in the sky and everyone has a good friend so they own a star in the sky. There are a couple of metaphors used in this poem such as, the stars above present love. I chose irony because this poem goes beyond the most simple and evident meaning of words or actions.